September 2014
I realized today that my life doesn't suck. I spent the whole day at school even though I didn't have to be there until sixth period for band.
This morning I attended an information meeting for The Evergreen State College, and I confirmed that it is the perfect, ideal fit for me. It is my dream college. And they're accepting applications right now.... I can't believe I'm applying for colleges; it's surreal. I'm practically an adult. In fact, I'm going to legally be one in less than five months. I talked to my friend Brenna today, and she just turned eighteen eight days ago. She said it's terrifying. At the meeting I got this burst of confidence that I will throw together a personal statement, fill out an application, send it in, receive my assumed admission notice within a few mere weeks, and just like that I'm on my way to my future. I believe there is a moment in the college decision process where you can truly see yourself being there and have no doubt in your mind that this is the one, kind of like the special moment a bride has when picking out a dream wedding dress.
After the AP exam in literature class last year when we didn't have anything else to learn, we were assigned to write a draft of a personal statement. My idea for the topic was perfect - how naturopathic philosophies apply to other areas of my life besides health - but I wrote it and then started over and over again, not really sure where I was going. It felt like a bunch of random flimsy paragraphs, and not one rich essay. This is not acceptable: I know I can do better than that. I love to write and I have written some awesome essays before. When I started thinking more about my personal statement and how concentrated it should be and how I should feel 100% proud and confident of it, I realized that I was describing my blog. Would you look at that - this blog is like an extensive, online personal statement. I am going to take pieces from two of my entries, My College Visiting Trance and I Hate High School, to build off of the vision I imagined last spring.
I had a moment in band where I felt this feeling of joy and it was foreign and strange. I sit next to my sophomore sister in band and we talk and laugh daily like best friends. I missed her. We haven't been friends since we were 14 and 12. We went through a super rough patch in our relationship. I spent three years smack dab in the middle of my teen years without the moral company of my sister. It's such a shame. The bond of sisters is an irreplaceable companionship. If there's one thing essential to my well-being, it's companionship. I love her.
In band I had a blast. Mr. Fosket wasn't there and we had a substitute teacher, so the Drum Majors conducted and lead class: Mikaele and Eric, both very awkward and funny boys, lead us in rehearsing pep band songs. I felt so comfortable and like I belonged. Hilary made comments about Eric's miniature mustache (in her words his "lip caterpillar") and she said he reminded her of the cucumber from Veggie Tales. There is something so completing about giggling to fellow girls about boys, regardless of whether or not we like them. There is a fundamental spiritual bond between girls, especially sisters.
After school I said a cheerful, confident hi to the people I knew whom I walked passed. I was in a fabulous mood. I was wearing a really cute outfit and got some compliments, and I gave out some as well. Danica, a girl on the JV cheer team, walked by and I had a brief exchange with her about her shoes (I have the same ones).
During first lunch I saw the new kid, Blake, lately to whom I've been regularly talking. He has been kind of rude though and refused to spend lunch with me. You know you're happy if you have a strong base on which to stand, so that you are able to withstand minuscule disappointments. I have other joys in my life to fall back on.
Speaking of which, during second lunch I hung out with my boyfriend of two days. I met him last Friday at the away football game at which I cheerleaded and he played, and I am so happy with how uphill this change in my life is going. It is about time and I am more than ready. I know myself enough and deep down have always known that to be complete I must be connected with a significant other. There is nothing weak or shameful about that: it is love, it is belonging.
After school I attended a Gay-Straight-Alliance Club meeting and since I had to drive my little brother Erik home I just kind of dragged him there with me. He is a very mature sixth grader. Afterwards on the drive home we had a very intelligent conversation about stereotypes, which extended into the next hour we were home. I am so proud of my brother; he's way beyond his almost twelve years. I have the same kinds of conversations with him as I would with someone my own age.
My mother and I went to Senior Parent Night at the high school in the evening. I learned about the Scholarship Notebook of achievements that college-bound students submit in order to receive scholarships and recognition from the community at the annual Scholarship Award Ceremony at the end of the year. Some thing I have learned this summer is that I should own everything in my life, including academics. When I was little, my notebooks and binders for school were plain and boring, but my journals and stationary for personal use were decorative and intentional (my idol was Lisa Frank). My scholastic and design existed in two separate worlds. In theory, my education is for me; I should pursue it with the same deliberateness as that of my creative life. An exception was when I was in middle school I had my own pretty day planner that I liked to use by choice, in lieu of the generic planners they gave out for free that no one really used. Lately, I have envisioned myself at Evergreen State College using the sentimental, beautiful type of journals I treasure, but as class notebooks.
Anyway, today it registered that, just like with the personal statement, I could have lots of fun with making my scholarship notebook. After all, it is kind of like a more formal version of a scrapbook. I have wanted to make a scrapbook for a long time: I even bought several varieties of paper, stickers, and other supplies. But alas, scrapbooking is a LOT more difficult than it seems. So much respect for those who have mastered that art. The hardest step is the first one. This scholarship notebook task gives me an excuse - and a motivation - to finally make one.
The things I have already been doing have ended up being the things that I have to do anyway during my senior year. Things are falling into place. I am beginning to live deliberately: the key to living a wholesome lifestyle I want to someday achieve in every corner of life.