Turns out I'm not always right. Turns out intuition is bullshit. Turns out that feeling was wrong.

Last year, whenever I would tour colleges, I would get an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. "I am scared." I wrote a whole blog post about this phenomenon. Every thought would end abruptly with a quick dismissal, leaving my brain empty and lost, like a mousetrap snapping the thought away. Now, I have that feeling to some degree every day of my life. College is like a radioactive magnet that turns my brain into a frantic mess the more I get near it. I am not passionate and ambitious and grateful and wholesome like I used to be. I have seen the real world now. I am tainted. Snap!
College is where you open up your mind to new ideas. I fear that I am questioning too much that I am going backwards.
When I would get bored and/or homesick, I would do one of my old dances from a company I used to be in. Now that I am home, I still do that dance. I was home again, but a piece of me is still missing. I was not homesick; I want my old life back.
When I climb the stairs, I go right out of habit towards my old room only to remember that I don't live there anymore.
"How is college?"
"Is it everything you wanted it to be?"

The people I meet at Evergreen are some of the ugliest people I've ever met. Yarden has hideous skin and is chubby. Emily has glowing skin and some extra pushin' for the cushion. What we look like and our health is luck of the draw. I have put all my faith in food to fix all my problems.
The fifties was a gilded time, a facade.
I fear that my career choice is based on a lie.
I am not passionate about things I used to love. I spent all day yesterday papercrafting in my planner. As I looked at it, full and fat with gorgeous goodies, just like I dreamed of since last year, I felt nothing. It was just like the plannergirls' planners that I would ogle over all the time last year. I have everything I wanted, and yet why am I so sad? I go through the motions.
Sex is the only thing I. When I fell sad, I just think I'll have some more sex and I'll feel better about myself. Like I am doing what I am sure of. People don't think of women when they think sex addiction.
And that's another thing. I lost my virginity four months ago, a month before I started at Evergreen. Sex is something that I have always knew would be my savior. The first time was everything I wanted it to be.
I have experienced strange health problems. I sometimes get lightheaded for no reason. I get anxious, sometimes nearly to the point of panic attacks.