All aspects of your life followed this swinging in and out, there was a rhythm, a yin and yang.
Now life has no meaning. I feel hopeless. All. The. Time.
Sometimes I get glimpses back to my old life, like today when I was reading my old blog from a year ago, and I feel the magic that life had. I don't know what happened.
I was positive, I could feel it: this is where I belong. This was going to be the best year of my life. I was feeling everything falling into place... Intuition.
Depression for no reason. So many things are going perfectly in my life, but I can't get psyched about it. I am sad all the time and I don't know why.
I recently lost my job with the Food Systems Working Group. Two years ago I would have taken that as a sign, that I got involved in the perfect opportunity right away, a dream come true... and then it not be what I thought it was going to be, not vibe with the work, and end up being fired. I would have taken that as a sign. That the universe hates me.
I have lost my passion. For anything. Over Winter Break I worked on my beautiful planner, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I remember looking at the glorious binder and being like, I don't feel anything. This fat booklet is what I have been dreaming about and working for since last year, and yet it brings me no joy.
- Jacques and Tasha. I had sex with Jacques on the third day of being at Evergreen. As the school year progressed, he started dating my suitemate, Tasha. I would always see him in my suite and he and his friends regarded me with awkwardness and immaturity. I am the one-night hook-up, guys really want girls who they can be friends with. I don't know how to make friends. I guess some things never change. I think that's why I like pole dancing so much; it takes away having to talk; it lets you communicate with your body and movement... I much prefer that method of communication to actual talking.
- Anthropocene. Everything seems so much smaller. Nothing has wonder.
- I miss my family. Which is understandable emotionally but not mentally. I thought I could manage grief of drastic change in a healthy way. I thought I was over the hump of the realization that my life is going to go through the biggest change it has ever gone through.
- Turning it off, like with Mom. Emotional numbness.
- "College Hyper Speed." No familiarity, no home. The people I know I have only known for a short time and will only know for a short time more. Friends move around. I will live in this room for one year and move out, and then move out of my next apartment after one more year. I finally am a gypsy, but I don't like it. It is not romantic or empowering, it is uncertain and scary.
- Sex, marijuana, alcohol, exposure to other "adult things." I have friends who are 25. I had a wine tasting unit in class in addition to drinking at dorm parties. I have slept with so many guys. EVERYONE at Evergreen smokes marijuana and/or psychedelics, for the record. There is a world of a difference between under and over eighteen. A year ago, my 23-year-old cheer coach was so high above me. She was professional, out of reach, distant... she was an adult. Now, I have friends who are older than her. I have slept with guys closer to her age than mine. I worked on a class project with a 26-year-old classmate. I'm in her peer group now. I'm an adult.
- I experimented with cannabis, and I have a hunch that it can explain why I am depressed and anxious all the time.
Is my Evergreen Dream still alive? Can it still take place and be a reality? Perhaps if I think of myself as a gypsy, that romanticized idea of a young woman moving away by herself to follow her dreams.... I could be more at peace. Maybe if I remind myself more often what it was like to be that dreamy, ambitious, grateful, starry-eyed girl I was before coming here.