Nature vs. Nurture
I just went to the Greenery with Olivia, Dulcie and Marann. It is Marann's last day here. She's going back to New York State and not returning until next year. Tasha already left for Spring Break and Naomi is going to move out to off campus and not take class during Spring Quarter. Olivia and I leave for Spring Break on Wednesday.
Olivia said she is going to transfer to PSU next year and then transfer back to Evergreen and graduate here the next year. Her saying her plans really inspired me, opened me up to a world of possibility. I thought I was stuck here. Evergreen is really not what I expected it to be. I recalled browsing fancy prestigious girls' colleges on the East Coast during Thanksgiving Break. Olivia really has a plan. I thought I did too -- but it turns out I don't know what I want. I tried to explain what that meant to me when Dulcie asked us what we thought Evergreen was going to be. and I had trouble describing it. I thought I had finally found where I belonged,That was the whole plot of my adolescence, my Personal Statement... But I guess I still have some figuring out to do. Not even that though, because I thought I already knew who I was. I was so. sure. I had a strong sense of identity before coming to Evergreen... now I just feel frazzled, disoriented, empty, I just don't know myself anymore. I like who I was before. Now I'm no one. I don't like it. I can't stand not being myself every day. I thought coming to Evergreen would only reinforce my beliefs. I can't stand all of this. Life is so drab.
I get panic attacks all the time. There are so many things I don't know or know how to do. I have failed at things, being on my own. I thought I would love living by myself. I don't like living with my family either -- I don't know where I belong. I don't ever feel at peace, no matter where I am. I am not me anymore
Don't even get me started about time. It scares the fuck out of me.
The world seems so small now. It is not magical, no big deal. I looked at the world with awe and wonder before... now, I am so desensitized and nothing really surprises or appalls or phases me anymore. I hate that. I can't feel anything. It takes so much for me to feel normal emotions, and yet it takes so little to feel anxiety or panic. Today I went on a jog around the soccer field like I like to do, and I looked out onto the field... and I felt a glimpse of that old feeling. I felt the biggness of life, the vastness. There was someone walking across the field, and they were so small compared to the field. I wish the world was like that field again. I was doing PMNA work today and I hated it at times, it was so boring and it's like I'm It scares me that before, when I was me, I would look at these websites, these institutions, this work, and be starstruck. I would fall in love. I have no capacity for love. I have no passion anymore. They say college is the place where you find yourself; well, I have lost myself.
I was in the Women's Resource Center today and I looked at some books in the library. I wish I was a competent reader. There are so many books there that I want to read... Gloria Steinem, fertility resources, responses to the Men's Rights Movement (I've been researching MRA viewpoints and have developed a huge crush on this one MRA on YouTube named Josh O'Brien, he's so dreamy... we will have a son named Oliver, I've decided).... Maybe the problem is that the covers look really good but when you open the book, it is intimidating as fuck. That's what happened to me today. I want to read these books but I know I never will, or at least not any time soon. There was a time when I had ambition. Now I just come to terms with the fact that I will never have my shit together to read these books like I want to. I wish I could love reading like Josh O'Brien does. My new life goal is to have sex with this guy, I've declared.
I had sex with some high schooler I met on Tinder last night. It occurred to me that this was my first encounter with someone not out of high school, including myself. It seemed so strange to me. Can the two mix? Sex was only something I dreamed about in high school; I never imagined that a high schooler would be competent enough. I don't know, like sex was something so incredibly out of reach and the two worlds don't mix. High School and sex life were two different dimensions that couldn't exist simultaneously: they were mutually exclusive. I don't feel like an adult. But I don't feel like a high schooler. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel.
Someone posted in the Graduating Class of 2015 Facebook group asking what everyone has been up to since graduating last spring. I read through everyone's comments... people are moving all over the place, getting engaged, completing trainings and getting relocated for the military, buying houses, getting legit-ass jobs.... I don't know what to say about this. I'm kind of indifferent. My old self -- my self -- would be proud of my peers and write a poignant blog post about it, like the one about my 18th birthday. But like I said, nothing phases me. It takes a whole lot of stimulus to trigger me; it's like I have pornography-induced erectile dysfunction and can't get it up with an actual partner. Er, wait. Yes I just made that analogy. Deal with it.
Remember when a kiss was a big deal? I kiss everybody all the time now. And I don't feel anything. That scares me. Will I ever feel the joy and wonder and excitement and mystery of the world ever again? I remember my mom saying the last time I saw her that she actually believes "being promiscuous" is damaging to oneself. But the thing is I don't know how to love. I am making up for lost time not ever getting any action in high school.
I saw Julian in the Greenery today when I was having dinner with my suitemates.
My mind feels bigger than my life, time travels too fast that I feel like time has become an illusion and this could be last September or in the future and I wouldn't know the difference. I can't become absorbed by one thing, I always am outside of myself. I think that is nature -- as opposed to nurture -- because I've felt this way more and more gradually since sixth grade; when my brain starts developing.